You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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