When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
