I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You took a bar mat shot.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
