If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
