D3 body, D1 cock
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
