Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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