You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
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You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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