absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
