i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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