I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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