I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize