Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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