I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
