I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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