I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You left your phone here
Wait...
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