I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
