If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
