Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
