2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
