i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
