last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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