i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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