I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
