Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
