Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
