I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
