the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize