i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Still dying that you shit outside
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
