He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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