I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is not my ceiling
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
