In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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