YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
