I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things Theyâ€™ve Ever Seen In Public
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.