New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
