So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
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Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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