Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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