Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
