just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm too high and old for this...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
