Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize