1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I want to fling myself into the sun
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
