3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
