I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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