How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
