JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
