I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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