He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
