Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
