since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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