I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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