Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we're making bets on your personal life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..