I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
