Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
