he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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