textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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