his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
