I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
