dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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